By Sylvia M Certified Sex Coach™
Sarah and Greg Brooks are a regular, middle-class couple. They’ve been together since their late twenties, take beachside family holidays with their two boys, and are quite happy together. However, behind closed doors, life looks a little different. Sarah and Greg are in a sexless marriage. As Sarah and Greg were raising a family, paying bills, and navigating life’s neverending laundry list of things to do, sex fell off the list. Now, after so many years without it, sex has become a taboo topic.
What is a sexless marriage?
A sexless relationship might have a lot of love, but not a lot of lovemaking. You might be having sex six or fewer times per year, more out of a sense of duty than excitement and passion. Sexless marriages are more common than you’d think. Around 15-20% of couples are in sexless relationships. In the 2019 “Australia Talks” study conducted by the ABC, 45% of Australians said they wished they had a better sex life.
It’s normal for couples who’ve been together a long time to lose the intense passion and fire of the early days. While maintaining this early passion isn’t realistic, letting our sex life dwindle completely isn’t either. A satisfying sex life is worth fighting for—sexual satisfaction is linked to greater productivity, health (both physical and emotional), and higher levels of happiness.
You could be in a sexless marriage, or heading in that direction, if:
- You love the comfort and security of your relationship, but you’re also frustrated;
- You struggle to voice your needs in the bedroom;
- You might describe your sex life as stagnant, boring, or routine;
- The mere idea of talking about sex with your partner exhausts you;
- You’ve given up trying to “fix” your sex life and accepted you’re stuck in a rut; and
- Deep down, you miss the physical intimacy and connection you used to have with your partner.
You might be surprised to know it’s actually at this point in a marriage, when we’re in the rut, where we truly get to know each other and the real exploration can begin. As people, we change and grow—so why shouldn’t our sex lives evolve, too?
The good news is, you can breathe new life into a sexless relationship
As an experienced sex coach, I help couples to embrace changing sexual desires and see the opportunity in the room. It’s possible to reinvigorate a sexless marriage and create an entirely new sex life, bringing a new level of enjoyment to your relationship.
You can turn your sexless relationship around and start to feel:
- Like you’re in a new, evolved phase in your marriage;
- A sense of excitement, joy, and anticipation;
- Confident to explore your sexuality within your relationship;
- Clear on your needs and boundaries; and
- Purposeful and energized in your relationship.
So where do you start? It’s different for everyone, but some options include:
- Talking to your partner (if you feel comfortable) about how you’re feeling.
- Asking your partner how they’re feeling.
- Engaging an expert for help (particularly if you’re not able to talk to your partner).
Through sex coaching, couples work on fostering more connection, sensuality, and communication. We look at changing the kind of sex you’re having, focusing on the importance of play, self-love and self-expression. Couples working with a sex coach can walk away with a sexually mature relationship—a relationship that can be just as satisfying, if not more so, than those heady, honeymoon days.
It might seem awkward to face this issue at first, but your marriage and happiness will improve tenfold. Best of all, “doing the work” is fun and pleasurable. Remember fun and pleasure? It’s time to invite them back into your life.