All About Kink (For The Non Kinky)

All About Kink (For The Non Kinky)

by Lucy Rowett, World Association of Sex Coaches Student Member

WHAT THE HELL IS KINK?

Here’s the thing: I’m not Kinky. Yep, for a Sex Coach, I am decidedly vanilla when it comes to my personal life. But, I’ve always been fascinated by the world of Kink and BDSM, because it is so unlike anything I am used to. It plays with darkness, it pushes the edge and makes you confront the dark and dirty recesses of your unconscious mind.

BDSM is an umbrella term that people in the mainstream use to describe Kink, S and M, Bondage and Domination, Fetish and everything in between. Many people who would describe themselves as ‘kinky’, actually have no real idea about what kink is about. Kink is far more than donning a pair of leather boots and twirling a whip.

flogger

Still, I’m a boundary pusher and I decided long ago that I would explore my shadow. So when I attended some kink workshops recently, I thought I’d break down the essentials of kink and BDSM for the NON Kinky folk, but who are still curious anyway.

(And just for reference: ‘Vanilla’ in the kinky context, has nothing to do with ice cream flavors but it means somebody who isn’t into kink and into more conventional sexual activity)

1- BOUNDARIES AND CONSENT ARE THE FOUNDATION OF KINK PLAY

Do you know where your limits are? Can you say NO to what you don’t want without feeling embarrassed or like you’re being rude? (This rule also applies to Tantra, too)

Consent is the huge buzzword online at the moment (check out the cup of tea video on consent, because, well, I’m British) but it’s crazy how many of us STILL find it hard to say NO to what we don’t want. And usually it’s women.

To demonstrate, a workshop leader asked how many women in the group had had sexual encounters they didn’t want but didn’t say ‘No’, to. All of us put our hands up.

Kink is the ultimate experience of how to learn about your boundaries, and how to ask for and give consent. How to say NO, and have it heard.

If you don’t know your limits, and cannot express them, then Kink is NOT for you. It’s best that you start with something softer to feel confident enough to state your boundaries.

Kink may look like a free for all, but even the most hardcore and experienced kinksters have their limits. And are not embarrassed to express them, because this is the most basic foundation of play.

Bonus: Your boundaries can change and you can change your mind at ANY time.

2- ALWAYS USE SAFE WORDS

Kink can be very dark. It’s exploring the deepest, darkest, dirtiest and most taboo stuff in your unconscious. When observing a scene, it looks like absolutely-no-damn-way is this person consenting to this, let alone enjoying it!

Often the scene will involve one person struggling and saying, ‘No!! Stop!!’, because this is part of the fantasy. (It’s a well known fact that the most common sexual fantasies amongst adults involve being overpowered)

So to play safely, you ALWAYS have safe words that flag when you need to stop.

The most common are ‘Green’, ‘Orange’ and ‘Red’.

Green= Yes please. Go ahead. We’re good to go.
Orange= Can we pause and check in?
Red= Too much. I need to stop now.

You reserve the right to use these words at any time you want to, because this is about pleasure. If you’re not enjoying it, that isn’t kink, that’s abuse.

3- EVERYONE’S PREFERENCES, AND HARD LIMITS ARE DIFFERENT

No two kinksters are alike, just like no two humans are the same. Everyone has their own preferences, likes, dislikes and absolute hard limits. And that’s OK!

If you take the example of people who like films: just because a group of people are into films, it doesn’t mean they all like the same type. Some people like rom coms, some documentaries, and others like horror.

Just because two people are into kink, it doesn’t mean they like the same things.

There have been many psychologists (and amateur psychologists) who’ve tried to analyze why people like the things that they do, which I’m not going to do here. (But if you want to explore it, a great book to check out is Perv, by Jesse Bering)

In kink, some people like really tough impact play, others prefer gentle caressing. Some being dominant, some prefer being sub, and others like being a switch.

Everyone has what they like, are willing to compromise on, and what is absolutely out of the question.

Knowing how to say what you like and don’t like is just being a grown up.

4- IT RELEASES STRESS, GET’S YOU INTO YOUR BODY, OR YOU CAN GO ON JOURNEYS

I never before thought of myself as a person who liked pain. Having a health condition made my body very sensitive, but to my surprise I discovered that I actually like impact play!

Being hit and spanked (keeping within my limits and using safe words when it’s too much) for me is not only a great stress reliever, but quite erotic too. It’s like a really tough massage, and like it’s beating the stress and tension out of me.

Impact gets you right into your body. Bam. Right there.

One workshop leader, Seani Love, has a background in Shamanism, ritual and Tantra, which he blends together with Kink to create a healing space. He’s an advocate of using kink to go on shamanic journeys, because it can take you right OUT of your body too and into what’s called ‘Subspace’. Another advocate of using Kink as a tool for spiritual journeys is Barbara Carrellas. (For extra reference, check out ‘Beyond Vanilla’, directed by WASC co-founder, Dr Robert Dunlap).

5- WHEN DONE WITH SOMEONE YOU TRUST, IT CAN BE AN INCREDIBLY BONDING EXPERIENCE.

Perhaps the essence of all kink play is about the power dynamic:

Taking control vs surrendering.
Ownership vs giving up your power.

Kink allows you to experience a part of you that you don’t normally bring out into public.

Think about it: when you’re the bottom, and are physically tied up or being spanked, you are really giving up your power to your partner(s). And when you are the dominant, or top, you not only have power over your bottom, but you’re responsible for their welfare too.

That means you need to trust the person you’re playing with. For your top to look after you and respect your boundaries, for your bottom to express their boundaries.

This is really bonding, in a way that you won’t get anywhere else. Learning to trust, learning to surrender, learning to open.

KINK ISN’T FOR EVERYONE

kink

It’s hardcore, it’s intense and I wouldn’t recommend it if you’re feeling particularly sensitive or vulnerable. Or it can be the best space to go to work through your emotions.

At the end of the day, trust your gut, and trust what your body is telling you.

And remember this: You never, ever have to do anything you don’t want to do. Ever.

About Lucy Rowett

Lucy Rowett is a Certified Sex Coach and writer based on the South Coast of England. Her passion is empowering clients to live a full, juicy life that makes them vibrate on all levels. She works with men, women and everyone in between to reach an epic sex life. She specializes in female pleasure and sex for people with disabilities/long term health conditions. Author of ‘Get Sexy: A Juicy Girl’s Guide to Reclaiming Your Natural Sensuality. Find her at www.juiceandjasmine.com, and join her Facebook group Juice and Jasmine Tribe.