Dealing with Mismatched Sex Drives

Dealing with Mismatched Sex Drives

by Dr Stacy Friedman, World Association of Sex Coaches Certified Sex Coach

He is hot and heavy and you just want sleep. She feels loving and affectionate and you just want to watch sports. Sound familiar? Mismatched sex drives are the most common concern for couples I see in my practice.  So the question is, how do you get your sex lives in sync? How do you find the time and desire to enjoy each other when you are both in the mood at the same time? Keep reading and find out.

First, make sure there are no medical issues like low testosterone, estrogen, progesterone and check for thyroid issues, diabetes and depression.  These all can lower your sex drive. If you do have an issue, finding the right care and learning how to balance your hormones can make a big difference in your libidos. 

Next, communicate… but not just when you want to have sex. Instead, one night when you have time, sit with each other and have a talk about sex. People talk about the house, kids, work, sports, friends and everything else under the sun, but are hesitant to discuss their intimate concerns. It’s a must to discuss sex in order to keep your relationship running smooth. Most people don’t have the same drive or libido, so find out how often your partner wants to have sex. See if they prefer day or night and find out what having sex means to them. Are they ok with quickies, do they say they want sex, but really just want to feel close and intimate, maybe just to hold each other and have alone time? Find out what your partner is looking for so you can understand how to compromise when being intimate and make the best use of your time together.

Try to spice it up! Maybe things are monotonous and you need to try something new. Have sex in a different part of the house, at a different time of the day. Take a shower together and suds each other up. Give each other a massage with no sexual expectations. Sometimes you need to enjoy the act of touch so the pressure of having sex is off the table and can gradually return on its own. Learn how to enjoy the journey, make it fun and take the pressure off of just having sex to reach orgasm.   

You may find out that sex is fun again and remember why you enjoyed it in the first place. Play a board game in bed that relates to foreplay or go to a sex club just to watch others and feel the heat your body experiences.  Take that excitement and bring it home with your partner and let loose! 

Lastly, just GO FOR IT! Do you or your partner ever go home and get excited to do laundry, mow the lawn, pay bills or clean your home? Of course not, but you do it because it makes your home and relationship run smooth. Desire isn’t always there, especially when you have been in a long-term relationship. Sometimes you do things you may not be in the mood for because it makes your partner and your home life happy.  Maybe he wants to go to a game or you want to see a movie and you decide to do what makes the other person happy even if you don’t have a desire. Once you do, you wind up having fun and enjoying each other at the end. Same thing can happen with sex. You may not have the desire at first but are usually satisfied when it’s done!

Remember, sex and intimacy are things which you can do to show your partner they are valued, desired and loved. When you take that away, it can decrease in intimacy and cause resentment and the loss of connection. Use these tips to keep sex and intimacy alive in your relationship so you or your partner don’t feel like they need to seek that affection elsewhere. We all need to feel loved and appreciated.

If you are losing connection or struggling with intimacy, please seek coaching to make the positive changes to your relationship before you lose it.  You can reach me at www. and 561-899-7669 for a complimentary consult.