By Dr. Stacy Friedman, World Association of Sex Coaches Certified Sex Coach and Clinical Sexologist
When being intimate, the main focus of sex should be about enjoying the journey, focusing on the pleasure and not being concerned about the performance. Of course, having an orgasm is definitely an important part, too, especially for women, but it isn’t always easy for a woman to have an orgasm.
Some women may not understand what is needed to help themselves achieve the big O. Some women can orgasm through vaginal sex, while some can only do so through clitoral stimulation. Believe it or not, about 75% of women must have clitoral stimulation to orgasm. So if you are concerned that you are only able to do it on your own or with your partner’s help orally or manually, you are not alone. In fact, you are in the majority. So what can you do to help improve your chances of having an orgasm?
Are Medical Issues Getting in the Way?
First, make sure there are no medical conditions that are keeping you from having an orgasm. Some conditions may have sexual side effects, such as nerve damage. Some medications may reduce sensitivity, such as antidepressants.
If all that is good, then it may be something more in your mind that is keeping you from feeling the pleasure of orgasm.
Masturbate! If you don’t know what you like or how your body reacts to stimulation, how can you expect your partner to know? People enjoy different sensations and get turned on by varied types of touch. It is up to you to know your body and to take the time to learn what touches feel good and what places on your body can be more sensitive.
Put on some soft music, turn down the lights, get in bed or maybe even a bathtub, and begin. Start slow; make sure you are able to relax someplace where you won’t be interrupted. There are no rules on how or what to do, just as long as you do something that feels good. You have to clear your mind and focus on the feelings you are producing and allow yourself to breathe. This brings me to the third suggestion.
Breathe and Relax
Breathing is an important step. Learning how to be in the moment, to enjoy the sensations and feelings you are experiencing is very important for women. We are always thinking of laundry that needs to be done, errands that need to be run, kids that need to be taken care of and everything else under the sun.
Breathing slow, deep, purposeful breaths can put us more into a state of relaxation so we can focus. Women, especially, need to be more mentally and physically in tune with themselves when trying to have an orgasm. Learning to relax and breathe is very important as it allows you to be present with yourself.
Get in the Mood
If you are with a partner, communicate with them and work together to prime each other up throughout the day. Start with verbal communication, such as sexy words and thoughts, flirty texts, and doing things that make you feel sexy!
Put some lingerie on underneath your clothes, do your make up, get a pedicure, read “50 Shades of Grey,” dab some clit-stimulating cream between your legs through the day so you feel a slight throb as you think of what’s to come. Creams that have L-Arginine are great for bringing blood flow to the surface, so look for creams that may include that ingredient.
Don’t be afraid to help yourself while being intimate or having sex! If you have a free hand or a toy, use it! Don’t be shy!
Since the majority of women only orgasm through clitoral stimulation, you have a better chance of enjoying an orgasm if you manually stimulate yourself or use a toy during intercourse to help bring you where you want to go. A silver bullet is a great starting toy, since it’s easy to use and lots of fun!
Position, Position, Position!
Play around with different positions, amounts of pressure and motions to learn what works best for you. Prop yourself up with a pillow under your hips and move with your partner in a slightly circular, grinding motion. This will help put some pressure and friction on the clit, which stimulates the nerves just at the right spot.
Playing around with different movements, speeds and techniques can be the ticket to better orgasms. Most importantly, take the time to enjoy sex for pleasure and not performance. That will also help determine your potential for orgasmic bliss!
You Are Responsible for Your Orgasms
An important take-away is that you are responsible for your pleasure and orgasm. Your partner can help, for sure, but it is the woman’s responsibility to know herself and her needs so she can be open to allowing her mind and body to enjoy what the journey has to offer.
The closer connected you are to your partner and the more warmed up you get ahead of time, the more likely you will have success in allowing your body to enjoy an orgasm to its fullest potential!
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