Positively Kinky: Explore Kink to Strengthen Intimacy and Connection

Positively Kinky: Explore Kink to Strengthen Intimacy and Connection

By Corinne FaragoWorld Association of Sex Coaches Allied Sexuality Professional

Wikipedia defines Kink as “unconventional sexual practices.” We have all fantasized or secretly desired what may be considered unconventional. It’s the beautiful nature of our erotic minds to engage with ideas that create arousal in our bodies. Kink teaches us to accept all sides of our erotic minds and use our taboos and desires to fuel our passion with our partners.

Couples who become sexual explorers together acknowledge and support each other’s ongoing sexual evolution. They learn how to use their erotic minds to discover new ways to turn each other on.

Positively Kinky: Explore Kink to Strengthen Intimacy and Connection - World Association of Sex Coaches
As we learn more about ourselves and each other, we begin to see our partners with renewed curiosity and appreciation. You don’t need to be excited by pain, bondage and humiliation to be kinky. You don’t need to visit an intimidating medieval dungeon to explore BDSM. You might prefer the more sensual world of power-exchange through foot worship or a sensual spanking or the smell of leather while being blindfolded. Dominance can be loving or strict. Submission can be playful or surrendered.

Kink is physical and psychological; it’s deep, fun, intense, and playful. Kink is whatever you want it to be.

From a couple’s perspective, it can deepen connection, heighten pleasure and sometimes heal pain. For instance, patterns and challenges within a relationship can be explored through role-play. Partners can agree to switch their dynamic to feel a different perspective. If one partner always leads, they can experience the freedom of being led. If one usually follows, they can feel the power of taking charge.

Often feelings can be processed through somatic experiencing rather than words by using our bodies to release emotions and come back into balance. We learn to give and receive, to trust and surrender. Kink can open us to deeper intimacy and enable us to behold our partners with fresh eyes, creating the passion and erotic connection we long for.

Expanding Your Erotic Menu

Positively Kinky: Explore Kink to Strengthen Intimacy and Connection - World Association of Sex Coaches

Yes, kink is sexual, and it’s so much more. Most sex education, including porn, has trained us to view sexual intercourse as the desired goal of any interaction, turning everything leading up to it into foreplay.

Making intercourse our main meal is a common routine that leads many couples into a state of sexual boredom. For others, erectile issues or vaginal pain have turned intercourse into more of a challenge than a pleasure. If your primary dish is no longer available, you don’t have to go hungry.

Kink teaches us how to feed each other’s erotic minds. By expanding our menu, sexual intercourse becomes only one of the dishes on a banquet table of arousing offerings.

Communication, Desire, and Consent

One of the first things you learn in kink classes is how to skillfully “negotiate a scene.” Simply put, this means communicating with your partner about desires, expectations, and limits. Negotiating a scene allows a couple to relax, knowing their desires and limits have been expressed and enthusiastic consent has been given by both parties. Now they can begin their encounter on the same page.

This kind of conversation can happen prior to any erotic activity. You have to talk about sex to have better sex. The more you do it, the more natural and fun it becomes. Making plans, sharing fantasies, forming agreements, expressing desires, showing appreciation, they all start with words. The kink community puts a premium on the skills of communication and consent that everyone can learn from.

Become Sexual Explorers through Education

Discover what turns you on and seek out the education that appeals to your unique appetite. You may share the same erotic tastes with your partner or you may not. That’s ok. It’s a journey and, like the beginning of any journey, if you’re open to new adventures, you will learn about yourself and each other along the way.

Accept your partner’s desires with an open mind. Judgment and shame can bring a quick end to honest sharing. Make the commitment to embrace and support each other’s erotic growth. It’s one of the most valuable gifts we can give our partner and it comes from a secure and generous heart.

In the Bay Area, there are endless ways of enhancing your kinky education: workshops, sex coaching, weekend adventures, conventions, retreats, public and private dungeons, sex toy stores, street fares— San Francisco prides itself on the sanctuary it has created to celebrate sexual diversity.

Positively Kinky: Explore Kink to Strengthen Intimacy and Connection - World Association of Sex Coaches

Before you learn about Japanese rope ties or what style of flogger to buy, learn how to be safe and ethical in your interactions with others, how to set and honor clear boundaries, how to stay mindful and present, how to respect your partner’s needs and stay empathetic to their feelings. Kink education teaches the foundations of how to be a better lover by first teaching how to be a better human.

Novelty: It’s an Inside Job

Novelty is one of the key factors in heightening our sexual passion, and more than loss of love, it is the desire for novelty that will lead people into secret lives.

Positively Kinky: Explore Kink to Strengthen Intimacy and Connection - World Association of Sex Coaches

An illicit affair may be the most common approach to finding novelty, but the consequences are emotionally damaging. Kink offers the experience of novelty within our relationship by opening doorways into different aspects of ourselves. We give each other permission to step out of our day-to-day personas and explore the less expressed sides of ourselves that our partners rarely see. A dominant partner may find pleasure in relinquishing control. A submissive partner may discover their personal power by taking charge.

We all share collective archetypal personas that can add variety and dimension to an erotic encounter and create the novelty that leads us back to passion. You don’t need to find a new partner to be with someone new.

Polarity: The Yin and Yang of Passion

Sexual polarity is one of the necessary ingredients for passion. Opposite and equal energies are found everywhere in our physical universe. Likewise, when it comes to sex, sameness does not create the erotic charge that makes for a hot encounter. A submissive longs to submit to a dominant who knows how to take the reigns.

Positively Kinky: Explore Kink to Strengthen Intimacy and Connection - World Association of Sex Coaches

When we explore erotic personas, we seek out our opposites to bring our energy into play. A seducer and the seduced, a protector and the protected, an owner and the owned, the servant and the served are all examples. Both are equally important and dependent on each other.

Exchanging the roles of power through archetypal personas can bring depth and insight into our relationships. Learn to be the yin to your partner’s yang and let the sparks fly.

Have We Forgotten How to Play?

“Play” is a word commonly used in the kink community to describe erotic engagement and is more in keeping with kinky encounters than the darkly disturbing intensity of how kink is often portrayed in the media. Kink welcomes both the light and the dark because every human being is made up of both. But when we use the word play, as in meeting for a play date, or attending a play party, we’re reminded of the child-like enjoyment we can bring to our erotic lives.

Find ways to feel playful with each other. Plan your next sexual encounter from a playful perspective and don’t be afraid to bring humor into your erotic adventures. Laughter is one of life’s great aphrodisiacs.

Presence: Are We Here Yet?

Clearing the mind of multitasking details, unsettling news, and internal conversations is a welcome byproduct of kink play. The moment your wrists are gently secured and restrained, or a blindfold has been placed over your eyes, your thoughts are quickly directed to what’s happening in the present moment. Our senses are stimulated. Each moment builds on the next as anticipation narrows our attention to what’s coming.

Likewise, taking charge and guiding your partner is an equally focused and immersive concoction of empathy and control. Whatever side of the experience you’re on, you’re fully present and in a state of heightened awareness. Like sitting meditation, the mind is momentarily freed of past and future thinking. With loving presence, we lead our partners out of their heads and into the present moment where deep intimacy lives.

There are many ways to engage in kink. It’s a physical and psychological playground of possibilities. How well do we know our partners? How well do we know ourselves? Kink reveals our complexities, our less familiar sides. It softens our armor, and ignites our desires.

Positively Kinky: Explore Kink to Strengthen Intimacy and Connection - World Association of Sex Coaches

Whether you participate online, keep it in the privacy of your bedroom, or venture to local events, become explorers together. Talk about sex regularly. Discover new ways to turn each other on, and expand your erotic menu by learning new things. Listen to your partner’s secret desires with great interest. “Negotiate a scene” so wants and needs are clearly expressed. Enjoy the novelty of seeing your beloved with fresh eyes. And embrace your erotic lives with a curious mind and a playful heart.

Corinne Farago is a somatic sex and intimacy coach and educator in Mill Valley offering personal coaching for couples and individuals. LoveSexAndDesire.com


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About Corinne Farago

Corinne works with men and women who seek to find their authentic sexual expression and live a fulfilling sexual life. She serves couples who long for intimate relationships and deep sexual connection. She works with clients in person as well as online video-conferencing. From relationship and sexual dynamics to exploring alternative sexuality, she offers a nurturing and supportive relationship in which her clients can grow and thrive.