by Lucy Rowett, World Association of Sex Coaches Certified Sex Coach and Clinical Sexologist
At the turning of the year, we start to set intentions for the year ahead. We set goals for our health, home, career, relationships and of course, a bucket list. We can use tools like vision boards, mantras, meditation, dancing, or just lists to express what we want to bring into the next year to make a new start.
What about making new year’s resolutions for your sex life, too?
I’m going to let you in on a secret that all sex coaches and sexologists know: great sex does not happen by magic! I’m sorry to disappoint you but if you’re hoping your sex life will miraculously transform without any effort, it’s just not going to happen. You need to put in the work. Great sex comes from knowing your body, understanding your own sexual response cycle, being able to communicate with a partner, and releasing any shame. And that’s just the beginning!
So here’s an idea: Why don’t you make 2018 the year your sex life makes you smile?
As a sex coach, I believe in working holistically. This means working with ALL of you- Mind, Emotions, Body, Energy and Spirit.
Using the MEBES wheel created by my mentor, Dr. Patti Britton, I’ve created a list of new things for your sex life you could try in 2018.
- Bust through limiting beliefs about your sexuality, your body and your desires.
- Become mindful of your negative thoughts when you’re in the bedroom.
- Find some new erotica–either books, online erotica (Tumblr is brilliant) or some new porn.
- Allow yourself to fantasize, or try a new fantasy. (Ladies, check out, My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday)
- Start doing kegels to strengthen your PC muscles (this is for penis owners and vagina owners).
- Start a Jade egg practice (sorry, vagina owners only).
- Explore different kinds of touch with your partner to find out what you like.
- Buy a beautiful mirror to look at your genitals with.
- Learn exactly what you like and how your body responds so you can communicate it with a partner. (Trust me, if everyone knew this, half of my job as a sex coach would be done already.)
- Decide that 2018 will be the year you ADORE your body! (Download my book Get Sexy! A Juicy Girl’s Guide to Reclaiming Your Natural Sensuality for more inspiration.)
- Take up exercise that you love and feels pleasurable. No more running on the treadmill or lifting weights if it fills you with dread. (Unless you love it, in which case, do more of it!)
- Try exercises that use or generate sexual energy–like Latin dancing, pole dancing, or play fighting.
- Bring more touch into your life. Get a massage, cuddle more or go to a cuddle workshop.
- Invest in a high quality sex toy that you want to use and keep it in a pretty box or bag by your bed.
- Be responsible about your sexual health. Get regularly tested and use barrier methods with new partners until you’ve both been tested clear.
- Be responsible about your fertility. Find a method of contraception that works best for you and use it properly.
- Be more present with your partner–both inside and outside of the bedroom.
- Clear any frustrations you have about your sexuality.
- Commit to finally process a difficult event that has shut down your body (either by working with a sex coach or a bodyworker).
- Become more mindful of your emotions during the day.
- Practice emotional clearing.
- Start journaling
- Be aware of any shame you have around your sexuality and consciously decide to release it. (Workshops and coaching sessions are perfect for this).
- Practice exchanging energy with your partner.
- Learn reiki and practice on yourself and/or with your partner.
- Connect with your sexual energy with dance, touch or Tantra tools.
- Explore erotic power exchange with some BDSM/bondage/spanking. (A wonderful film to start with is Secretary.)
- Make sure you keep yourself charged up by taking time just for you.
- Find out what energizes you. Make a list and commit to including at least one thing in your day.
- Keep your living space clutter free to keep energy flowing.
- Practice sending healing energy to your genitals.
- Learn some Tantric/Spiritual exercises (Urban Tantra, by Barbara Carrellas and the Multi Orgasmic Man and Multi Orgasmic Woman by Mantak Chia are the best books to start with).
- Finally heal the wound between sex and spirit. Know that god/dess made your body capable of infinite pleasure and that your sexuality is beautiful.
- Create an altar–it doesn’t have to be too big–that has objects that are sacred to you. This space is a sacred space to keep you centered.
- On your altar, add some beautiful images or statues to represent your sexuality.
- Find a spiritual practice that calls you and use it as an anchor to come back to when life becomes hectic.
- Meditate on your root chakra.
While this isn’t from the MEBES model, I couldn’t leave this out. Sexuality isn’t just about you as an individual or in a relationship, it affects everyone. I believe that being conscious about your sexuality means being conscious of how it affects the wider community.
Here are some ideas:
- Stand up for the rights of sexual minorities. (Check out the World Association of Sexual Health Declaration of Sexual Rights.)
- Become an ally to sex workers. (The Basis Sex Work Project in Leeds and Whores of Yore are two brilliant resources to begin.)
- Become mindful of your country’s laws around sexual rights, sexual health and reproductive health.
- Stop judging other people on their (consensual) sexual choices. This includes slut shaming or any internal prejudice about different sexual orientations to yours.
- Support other sex bloggers, writers and creators–either by buying their products or sharing their content. My favourites are Girly Juice, JoEllen Notte, Sunny Megatron, Reid Mihalko and Jenn Gunsaullus.
These suggestions are just a template. Get creative and make your own list of sexual resolutions for the new year. Whatever you decide on, I hope it’s delicious!
Need to Find a Sexuality Professional?
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