by Kristine D’Angelo, World Association of Sex Coaches Certified Sex Coach
Finding ways to connect with your partner is an important aspect of what keeps a relationship healthy and thriving. Bringing spontaneity and romance into your sex life isn’t always feasible whether you’ve got children or you’re both busy professionals. That’s why it’s important to take the time to enjoy each other without any distractions from the outside world. Focus on you and your partner, now, in the moment. Try to disconnect your mind and focus on what your body is experiencing and yearning for. When you’ve scheduled time to be together in this way, verbally let your partner know that the line of communication is open and you feel safe in your partner’s company. This is the space you can be your true self. Opening up sexually will bring you closer together and create a level of intimacy that will send your pulse in a tizzy.
You’re not alone. This is a common issue many people struggle with in a relationship. Our society doesn’t hold value in exploring sexuality and sexual education. One of you may be overly open about sex while your partner holds a lot of shame, fear or anxiety towards it. Here are a few suggestions to create intimacy through actions and communication.
Write a Letter
If talking face-to-face about sex is hard for your partner, write them a letter to get the conversation started. In your letter, start by letting your partner know how much you love and adore them. How when you think of having sex with them you get excited and want to explore their body as if it were your own. Reassure your partner that they are always in a safe space with you and that there will be no judgements placed upon his or her sexuality by you, their partner. Come from a place of acceptance and compassion towards your partner. This is your chance to show them what you need and also what you feel your relationship needs to reach a higher level of intimacy. Finish the letter by sharing something personal about your sexuality or sexual history. Share something that your partner might not know about you. This will create intimacy which will hopefully be reciprocated when your partner replies to your letter with their own feelings.
Take turns telling each other your fantasies, you start. What have you always wanted to try but never have? Your partner will feel better about sharing their own fantasy because you show trust and vulnerability to them. If they are hesitant to tell you reassure them that you love them and that there is nothing shameful or embarrassing about what they fantasize about. This is an opportunity to learn more about your partner and open possibilities between you!
If you and your partner are open to watching pornography together but both of you usually do it solo, this is a great opportunity to learn what turns your partner on. Take turns picking out the movie or “scene” and hold no judgement or express laughter at what the other has chosen. This is your partners chance to share their desires and fantasies with you. You may learn that your partner has a fetish for butt plugs which you didn’t know before. Or they enjoy watching anal sex which you’ve never discussed before and you’re open to trying it! You’re trying to start the conversation here, and it’ll work!
If you’re both opposed to watching pornography replace it with Erotica – aka Erotic Fiction. Erotica is the literary version of pornography. Erotica is usually written in short-story format and stimulates your imagination through sexual tales and explicit story lines. Do a simple online search for erotic short stories or visit your local bookstore and ask the clerk for suggestions. Purchasing the book yourself is a good idea since it may be a challenge for your partner to go out and buy it. Present the book to your partner while lying in bed together. Take turns reading stories from the book and pillow talk about what turned you on about the stories.
It’s important to remember, when motivating your partner to open up sexually that you approach this sensitive subject with patience and tenderness. It might be easy for you to express yourself but for others it takes time and practice to get to that level of personal expression. By putting this effort into your relationship it won’t go unnoticed by your partner, it will ultimately bring you closer and open doors to sexual expression which will lead to new sexual adventures together.
Kristine D’Angelo is a Clinical Sexologist and Sex Coach. Through years of experience seeking resolutions to sexual issues within past relationships it led her on a path of education to explore resolving these delicate and sensitive issues through higher education. She offers her clients private one-on-one sessions in the Portland area. If you reside out-of-state she is more than happy to arrange a coach session with you via phone or Skype.