by Corinne Farago, World Association of Sex Coaches Allied Sexuality Professional
Part One – 9 Elements of Crafting a Scene for Connection
Are you interested in exploring uncharted sexual territory and discovering what your kink is?
Statistically, 70% of the population admit to having a kinky side. If we define kinky as anything outside of your normal sexual experience, then I’d say 100% have a kinky side.
Couples who come to see me are wanting to discover new dimensions of their erotic turn-ons.
They understand there’s more to sex than penetration and there’s more to their erotic natures than what they currently experience.
The first question they ask is “where do we begin?”
You’ll get this question answered, along with many more in my 6 module online course, Erotic Power Play for Inquisitive Couples, but here are some things to get your started as you move forward into new erotic frontiers.
A few of the many benefits to be had when you expand your sexual menu:
- Enhanced sexual passion
- Deeper connection and intimacy in your relationship.
- Creating and intensifying sexual polarity
I’ve broken this all down into 3 articles.
In this first article, we’ll start with 9 elements of creating a kinky scene with your partner in a way that creates intimate sharing, trust and connection.
Let’s begin at the beginning….
Talking about sex!
As couples who know each other well, we don’t always think we need to talk about sex with our partner. You may have developed a pattern of having sex before sleeping or sex before getting out of bed in the morning.
You know each other well enough to recognize the gestures of initiation, the body language of yes, and the body language of no.
Couples can have sex for years without ever really talking about sex.
One of the things kink will teach you is how to talk about sex in a way that may be new to you. You’ll be discovering new things about yourself and your partner and it’ll happen by talking about it.
How you negotiate and establish consent as a couple varies depending on your relationship and how well you know each other.
In my Erotic Power Play for Inquisitive Couples online course, I speak to people in relationships because I’ve seen how exploring alternative sexuality and new activities heightens passion and deepens connection between partners.
Couples discover new aspects of their erotic turn on and learn how to expand their sexual expression. They see sides of themselves and their partners that may be new to them. And, since novelty is one of the ingredients to reviving your sexual interest, alternative practices like kink opens that door to new experiences.
But, whether you’ve been in a relationship for years or you’re new to each other, negotiating your desires gives couples an opportunity to express what they want, and what they’re up for on any given occasion.
Every successful conversation about sex has a basic framework to keep in mind:
1. Agree on a time to sit down and talk about your upcoming erotic encounter.
Many of us have a hard time talking about sex with our partners. We’re afraid of being judged. We don’t want to admit to having desires that may seem out of the ‘ordinary’. We don’t want to risk being embarrassed, or worse rejected.
Rather than risk disconnection by bypassing conversations out of these fears, I teach my clients how to talk about sex until it becomes as comfortable as talking about lunch.
If you’re going to grow sexually, language is going to be your most valuable tool, and kink can teach you how to do that by becoming curious, asking questions, and expressing your desires.
You do this by setting aside a time to talk about sex. Not when you’re loading the dishwasher, or when one of you is nodding off after dinner.
Find a time when you’re both relaxed and already feeling close and affectionate (whatever that currently looks like). Give yourselves time, not knowing where the conversation will lead.
If you’ve made the decision to introduce kink into your relationship, start by letting go of that deadening familiarity we all take on in long-term relationships and assume you know nothing about your partner’s tastes or preferences.
It’s refreshing to rediscover some mystery in our relationship and see our partner for who they are, a separate, autonomous human being with sexual desires, disappointments and expectations all their own.
2. Take turns speaking and listening.
If your partner is having trouble expressing themselves, ask questions that help draw them out. Be gracious and generous with your attention as your partner makes themselves vulnerable by speaking about their desires.
It takes courage to be seen in our desires and it takes practice getting comfortable expressing them. Accept your partner’s feelings as their truth and avoid conversations that lead to judgment or shaming. Be gentle with each other.
3. Decide on a time and place to play and approximately how long your playtime will be from arrival to aftercare.
Planning ahead adds to the excitement and anticipation of your upcoming erotic encounter. It gives you time to consider what you both really want to experience and what activities might give you the feelings you’re both wanting.
If you’re both on the same page, it reduces the possibility of unmet expectations and disappointment.
4. What kind of power exchange will you be engaging in for your scene?
For many, their preferred roles of dominant and submissive don’t change.
For others who prefer to switch these roles, and experiment with power exchange, they follow their inclinations depending on the dynamic they want to explore.
Decide who will take the lead and who will follow.
The polarity created by leading and following (or dominating and submitting) is a necessary ingredient for any passionate encounter. You can learn more about polarity and how to create it by listening to my webinar, The Delicious Tension of Sexual Polarity here.
5. Discuss what feelings you’re wanting to experience in your time together such as feeling powerful, submitted, used, worshipped, in charge or in service, etc.
We’re all drawn to experience a certain feeling when we have sex with a partner and we all have parts of our erotic selves that seek expression.
This is often an in-depth consideration I lead clients through, as it sheds light on who we are in our unique sexual nature and what sexual expression is most fulfilling to us.
6. Consider what activities would help you experience the feelings you’re wanting in your upcoming scene?
Take spanking as an example. Are you seeking the feeling of submitting to having something done to you by someone you trust?
Are you wanting to let go and receive sensations that are both erotic and edgy?
Or perhaps you’re seeking the feeling of being in charge and powerful, knowing you’re giving someone an experience they’re wanting, while at the same time following your own desires and taking pleasure in them.
I have an activity checklist for couples new to kink that can launch your erotic imagination into many exciting directions. Sharing your kinky checklist with your partner and talking about things you both want to try is where your scene begins.
7. Within those chosen activities, what are your limits or boundaries?
Never assume that your or your partner’s limits (or what you’re up for) will be the same one day as opposed to the next. One of you may have had a particularly challenging day that calls for more loving care to ease your day’s concerns.
Or your partner’s challenges that day may call for more intensity to focus and clear their busy minds.
8. What are you consenting to, and do you both understand all that consent entails?
Consent in kink means saying yes to participating in a scene with your partner(s).
That’s it in a nutshell. There are aspects of consent that are important to know about such as implied consent, blanket consent, withdrawing consent, consensual non-consent.
The consent culture is the backbone to kink/BDSM play.
The consent culture evolves as we evolve in our understanding of the nuances of consent and how we apply it to our relationships in (and out of) the bedroom.
I find most couples will rely on body language with minimal conversation to make clear offers and get clear consent. We fall into habits of assuming we know what our partners are wanting and not wanting based on past experiences.
But when we bypass conversations about sex, we lose the opportunity to investigate our erotic desires and grow together in our sexual explorations.
I encourage couples who are new to kink to step out of their familiar signals and learn to incorporate clear consent conversations into their erotic and sexual play.
I suggest that couples get comfortable scheduling erotic play, making direct offers, and asking for clear answers to establish consent in their sexual lives.
Clear consent lays the foundation for an erotic encounter that is free of misunderstandings and potential feelings of betrayal when expectations aren’t met. It also opens the door to talking about sex with our partners in a direct and open way.
9. Do your research.
Kink/BDSM is a vast world in which to explore for your own personal interests.
It’s physical, psychological, playful, deep, healing, intimate, fun. It’s all these things. It expands our options of how we engage with our partners erotically.
Continue your research, take classes, find mentors, seek coaching in order to become a responsible player for your partner(s). Apply for my 6 module interactive online course, Erotic Power Play for Inquisitive Couples.
If you’re wanting personal coaching to help you on your journey,
I’m happy to work with you one on one in person or online to help you along the road to becoming a ‘turned on’ couple.
Yours in kink,
In Part 2 of Crafting a Scene for Connection you’ll learn more about:
- How to negotiate a scene with your partner by using checklists of activities
- The purpose and empowerment of safe-words
- The importance of kink education and how to step into your explorations with confidence and curiosity.
In Part 3 of Crafting a Scene for Connection you’ll learn:
- The 10 Golden Rules of Crafting a Scene for Connection