by Tatyana Kashina, World Association of Sex Coaches Certified Sex Coach
Recently Fyodr came to me for a consultation.
“Tatyana, I don’t want to have sex with other women, I want my wife.”
To be honest, this request is an unusual one in my experience. First, I wanted to thank him and to add his story to my piggy bank of stories about good men.
“I don’t want to be unfaithful, I love her and want a normal family, but she thinks I’m sick and that I am addicted to sex. I’m just an ordinary man who wants his wife. Is it bad?”
We were talking for a long time. Fyodr is really an ordinary guy, without any addiction or outlandish fantasies. He is just a man with a healthy desire to have sex with his wife. And he didn’t just want sex for him and then to bury his head in the computer. Fyodr knows about foreplay and even foreplay’s foreplay – looking after the children, encouraging his wife to spend time with her friends. He cares about his wife’s pleasure. He loves his wife, adores his children, makes good money, doesn’t drink or smoke. So I asked him to invite his wife for a session. A couple of days later, I met her.
“Natasha, why have you come?” I asked.
“My husband asked me to.”
“And do you have any questions?”
“What questions?” she said, “Everything is OK, he’s just obsessed with sex.”
She became cross at this line of questioning. It became obvious that she came in for appearance’s sake. Natasha believed in the “commodity-money” form of relationships. She believed that he makes money, she makes dinner, 2 times a year they go on a vacation and post their photos of a happy family. At the same time, intimacy, passion, common interests, touching, and expressing emotions didn’t register and she didn’t need them. To be precise, they don’t just happen, and she doesn’t want to work to make them happen.
“Natasha, perhaps it is better if you go home,” I said.
This obviously surprised her.
“What’s the sense in continuing this session? You’ve come in order to keep up appearances. You can honestly tell your husband that you have tried to go to another specialist. You don’t want to listen to me, and what’s more, you know everything I’ll say, because you have completed many consultations and seen many specialists. As for me, I don’t want to waste my time to explain if you aren’t ready to listen.”
“But you must,” she replied, trailing off.
“Actually, you are right, I have to finish today’s session. Let me save you some money and we’ll talk about what will happen in a few months. You’ve already been told about what a wonderful husband you have, how he loves you and how important the passion is in relationships. I get the sense that you don’t want to hear that again, so let’s move on to the next stage,” I continued.
I explained to her that Fyodr is reaching the “point of no return.” He’s tired – he has ceased to see the meaning in his attempts to change something in their relationship. For him, it’s a cold gain. He invests in seeking help, and doesn’t get results. He goes to different specialists, but still there is no change. I’m his last hope, his final attempt. If there’s no result, Fyodr will understand that further investment is meaningless.
He can stop investing in professional help, but his desires and requirements won’t go anywhere. There will be the thought in his head that he has gone above and beyond, and now he needs to think about alternatives. These thoughts will trigger the Law of Attraction, and at some point he’ll begin meeting other women. First, he’ll fight with himself, but in the end he won’t resist.
“You can choose to close your eyes to the problem and say that sex is not important,” I conclude, “then, we’ll meet in a couple of months to explore how to survive infidelity and rebuild your self-esteem.”
“Are you saying that I’m stupid?” she finally cried out, and then began to talk.
Now, I am working actively with Natasha. We are learning to look at relationships in new ways – stoking desire, building self-esteem and faith in oneself, and personal development. I hope it’s not too late, and they will celebrate a long and happy marriage.
So let’s take a look at 5 key factors that influenced this relationship:
1. Everyone has their own needs. Some like apples, some likes pears. Offering a pear to fan of apples doesn’t have an impact and it will cause irritation leading to apathy. Many people try to ignore the need for sex – in this case, Natasha tried to ignore both her own and her husband’s needs. She tried to compensate for it with delicious dinners and ironed shirts. Think about your needs and those of your beloved and ask – what are you offering, to yourself and to them?
2. Motherhood. As a mother of two children myself, I always find it difficult to write something negative about motherhood, but it’s true. Many women forget about themselves when they become mothers, becoming absorbed in the baby. Phrases like “How can we make love, the child sleeps nearby?”, “No, we can’t, we’ll wake the baby”, or, “Hurry up, the baby will wake up soon” become routine.
Remember – a happy baby needs a happy mom, rather than 10 developmental lessons. You are the main teacher of your child. Think about what they see every day. Do they see a happy family where mom and dad love each other, or constantly tired parents?
3. Tiredness. Chores are often uninteresting. If housework is divided unevenly, if one spouse or the other takes on the lion’s share of cooking, changing diapers or all the boring reports, they often have only one desire afterwards – to lie down and do nothing. Think about how often do you spare time for yourself and relax? How balanced is your life?
4. Hormones. Hormonal disorders can negatively affect desire. Have you consulted your doctor lately?
5. Family relationships. We feel desire for our lover, but not for a housemate or mortgage co-signer. The more you have understanding, common interests, jokes, and emotional moments (positive, of course) with your lover, the more desire there will be. Sex and relationships are inseparable. The better your sex life is, the better your relationships; the better your relationships, the better your sex life will be. Look objectively at your relationships: do you have more happy moments or conflicts?