by Dr. HazelGrace Yates, Former World Association of Sex Coaches Member
Even years after becoming a Tantra and Sex Educator, I still noticed in the way back of my brain a question – “Am I normal in bed?” In fact, this is the most common question my sex coaching clients ask.
My mind was blown and shame shed while reading the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. If I’d had an MRI scan of my brain while reading this book, I imagine it would have lit up like a Christmas tree! Let’s dive into to some of the highlights from this groundbreaking book covering sexological scientific based nuggets of wisdom that can support you in maximizing your sexual well-being and potential.
Have you ever wondered why sometimes you can easily feel aroused and then other times not so much?
The Dual Control Model helps shed light on our seemingly complex arousal system. We all have a Sexual Excitation System, or more easily understood “The Accelerator” as well as a Sexual Inhibition System, AKA “The Brakes”. Your accelerator constantly scans your environments for sexually relevant clues or stimuli. If it finds something, the brain sends signals from the brain to the genitals saying, “Turn On!” At the same time your brake continuously monitors for potential threats. If something occurs as dangerous, the brain says, “Turn Off”. These threats can be external – like risk of STI, unwanted pregnancy, or social consequence, or internal – like body shame or fear of performance.
This may seem like common sense, but my experience when I took the time to explore my unique factors for my accelerator and brakes was that I felt aware, empowered, and accepting of the way arousal occurs for me. I incorporate this with my clients and they get so much out of filling out the accelerator/brake quiz, which is included in the book.
Everyone’s accelerator and brake sensitivity is uniquely their own and to be celebrated!
Once you have the power of knowing your specific turn-ons and turn-offs, you have access to constructing a sexual context to maximize your arousal. Creating contexts for sexually relevant stimuli is comprised of two main ingredients: circumstance and brain state. Circumstance includes elements like who you are with and where you are. Brain states can include being relaxed or stressed, trusting or not, open or closed. The book contains a fun and easy guide to help you lay out even more specifically your sexual context fingerprint.
Wham O! You now have an arsenal of tools to design and craft your ideal sexual setting. And by the way, your partner is dying to know the ingredients in order to create it with you!
Have you ever thought, “Is there something wrong with me sexually?” I know I have! I thought it was “normal” to experience desire and turn on at a moments notice. This couldn’t be further from the truth! Nagoski shares the different types of desires styles that helped set the matter straight, and can help set you free! Spontaneous Desire appears seemingly out of the blue. Responsive Desire needs something compelling or erotic to happen for the turn on to happen. Context Dependent Desire is a combination of spontaneous desire and responsive desire.
And here is the most fascinating part of all – how drastically differently desire can show up for men and women. Check out these stats:
Spontaneous Desire : 75% men – 15% women
Responsive Desire: 5% men – 30% women
Context Dependent: 20% men – 50% women
Phew! It turns out, however desire shows up for you, is perfect and normal and unique to you as an individual.
Speaking personally, I can say that this book has not only transformed my relationship to my own sexuality, but that it has also supported many of my clients. Don’t take my word for it, check it out for yourself!.
Watch Emily Nagoski’s TEDx presentation:
Dr. HazelGrace Yates has a Master’s degree in Education, is a clinical sexologist and sex coach specializing in working with women who have a difficult time knowing and asking for what they want sexually as well as challenges with body image. Be’s reason for devoting herself to the revolutionary work of sex coaching is simple: she wants to give everyone a chance at the same freedom she has found through her personal healing transformation. With more than 12 years experience as a pioneering educator, Be brings a unique blend of professional know-how, authentic communication and personal vulnerability to her practice. Compassionately she guides clients to venture boldly into the unknown territory of sexual liberation and become their most radiant selves—in the bedroom and beyond.
