by Dr Celina Criss, World Association of Sex Coaches Certified Sex Coach
The idea of consent is currently getting a lot of attention and for good reason. Consent is an essential component of mutually pleasurable sexual activity as well as the demarcation between shared activity and assault.
So how do we get consent? Any seasoned kinkster will tell you, it’s through initial and ongoing negotiation. Wow, that sounds heavy and even a little legal, doesn’t it? Don’t worry, it doesn’t have to be. In fact, negotiation can be a lot of fun.
If negotiation is the foundation of consent, then self-awareness is the secret sauce of effective negotiation. Let’s begin there.
Sexual self-awareness begins with exploration and permission to play freely to discover what we enjoy and do not enjoy. We need to know where our pleasure and our limits lie in order to communicate them. Hearing, “Do whatever you want, I have no limits” is terrible when playing with a new partner because it leaves too many questions. Where should I begin? Do you like to be aroused slowly and sensually or do you prefer an element of surprise? Are we going to have intercourse or maybe cuddling and a little bit of kissing is best today?
Once we know and accept ourselves and our personal desires then we can begin to negotiate effectively with a partner. Where do we share a mutual interest? Where do we diverge? This knowledge allows us to establish our boundaries and tell new partners where they are. The first time new partners play together, it’s likely that both feel excited, attracted, and possibly a little nervous. Knowing what each person is interested in before the action starts, and/or checking in now and then, ensures that both are enjoying the activity and that the needs of both are met.
One of my favorite (and most efficient) negotiations went something like this:
He: Top, wearing a DM (Dungeon Monitor) armband, twirling a new whip, getting a feel for it in his hand.
Me: Bottom, observes the DM mark, which establishes that He is likely a respected and trusted member of the community, and appreciates the precision of his aim. Also likes the look of that wrist as he flicks the whip.
Cutting through the introductions and flirting…. and not reported verbatim (because who talks like robots?):
Me: Want to play?
He: Yes. Let me show you what toys I have… which would be ok for you?
Me: Selects toys that are familiar and/or interesting.
Me: xxx feels really good to me, I don’t like yyy. zzz is my safe word. Does that work for you?
He: Yes. Since this is our first time playing together, undress as far as you feel comfortable but please keep your underpants on and take your shoes off.
He: Gazing in my eyes while holding my hands to establish connection, “Are you ready?”
Me: Holding his gaze and surrendering to his control, “Yes.”
Play: SPECTACULAR!
We’ve played again and been friends since.
In these few sentences, we were able to establish our limits, how we wanted to play, and how we would communicate during the scene. Throughout the play he checked in with me – looking in my eyes, listening/watching my breathing, cooing encouragement and asking me if I wanted more (my chance to say yes/no without having to safe word). I provided constant feedback—giggling, wiggling, sighing, etc.—to express my pleasure and desire for more/less. All of this can be done quickly, flirtatiously, consciously.
This scene was possible because both of us knew ourselves—our desires and our limits—and how to communicate these clearly. Our pre-negotiation conversation also included our experience in the community, our relationship status, and the typical getting-to-know-you stuff.
For regular play partners, negotiation is an ongoing process that is revisited as needed. Desires and limits evolve as the relationship does and as new experiences happen. Negotiation works in tandem with respect and consent to develop a safe space for partners to explore themselves, each other, and new possibilities. Often it looks like a quick Q&A (is this ok? yes/no). Other times it requires more (let’s do impact play with floggers, canes, and we can try open-hand spanking but no paddles today). Sometimes an in-depth discussion is appropriate (I’m curious about trying needles, how would you feel about that?). However you do it, negotiation and consent are ongoing, evolving, and essential to satisfying, pleasurable play.
